A Self Realization

I could never forget 14^th January 2008. It was also my birthday. Since the last four months I was going through hell. Unnecessary delays in Ph.D thesis submission, loss of a very special thing in life along with physical ailments made my life miserable. I was getting frustrated with all negative thoughts. I started to feel as if nothing good would ever happen to me again. I was never so negative in my life ever before.

I believe in God. May be, this I inherited from the tradition or rituals that I’ve seen since my childhood. I never go for long prayers or fasting or sacrifice or mannat or anything of that sort. To me She is like my mother--- whom I can ask for things saying ‘please please please’ or can thank her hundred times for giving me something that I wanted or even can quarrel with her for not fulfilling my wishes.

These days I was actually in fighting terms with her as everything was going wrong. So, on this birthday I was down and didn’t want to celebrate in spite of many requests from my husband. I was spending a lonely afternoon in the house trying to sort out the reasons for this worst situation and found myself very helpless. Things were happening as if they were ought to and I had nothing to do because those were not in my hands. This made me even more violent. In a rage of anger I rose up and stood in front the photo of Ma and threw it from its place. Then I picked it up and started knocking it against the wall trying to damage it. Her ever-smiling face was irritating me more so, I wanted to destroy that. I was even cursing her…..crying….shouting and what not. This went for atleast half an hour. Slowly, I pacified myself called up my husband. Said him everything. He was cool as usual and asked me if I’m happy now or not. I answered, ‘YES, I AM.’

In the evening when he came back from office he said that if we can go and visit Khadki Kalibari. I was having a severe headache and thought that going out will help. We started for Kalibari. We knew about the location but were never before there. We came and saw that there were two adjacent temples- one was crowded and the other was not. We went to the crowded one first. We saw outside the temple gate somebody was distributing prasad. I washed my hands and joined the queue. I was the last one to get the prasad- it was Payasa or Kheer (a dish compulsorily made in one’s birthday in Bengal). People after me had to return back without having the prasad. As I was having it tears role on my cheek. It was superb delicious and I really had never tasted such tasty payash before. I went inside the temple it was Ayappa Temple which I didn’t know. Beside that is Kalibari. We went to Kalibari.

I came back and started crying like anything. I really felt that Ma loves me so much that even after hurting her, cursing her………She made my day by treating me such deliciously. I picked up her damaged photo once again and kissed her…said her sorry and cried a lot. I was getting strength from inside. I realized it is she who is always there beside me with all positive energy to deal with all odds and all worst. This is the strength that I get when I think of God.

Even today when I recall the incident my eyes become wet. I just say her, ‘Love you Ma for everything…Above All for this Day’.